About A Girl
by Morphine Dementia
Summary: One-shot. Horohoro's constant nagging about having a girlfriend is starting to get on Ren's nerves. So he decides to give his blue-haired friend some tips on dates..and actually fool him into one! - RenHoro, or Ren x Horo; humor, light shounen-ai fluff. Also the oldest fic I'm still not ashamed of!


**AN**: A short brainless fluff fic a.k.a. my first attempt in writing harmless light-hearted humor. Ren's a bit too talkative but I guess he can have talking days too. And Horo might be a little _too_ clueless... but he is after all an idiot. XD

**Summary**: Horohoro's constant nagging about having a girlfriend is really getting onto Ren's nerves... so he decides to give his blue-haired friend a lesson to his benefit! ..and also mess with him in the process! RenHoro, shonen-ai (slash), language. There's one little kiss and implied making-out, but I don't think it's that scary. ;)

**Warning**: All bad things Ren says about girls are his responsibility, not mine. :P I do not hate women! Keep in mind he's just trying to make Horo uh, scared of girls. I mean, reconsider.

**Disclaimer**: ...Here I go again, you probably got used to my fic-naming habit. xD Song "About A Girl" belongs to Nirvana. Ren & Horo (c) Ren; Shaman King (c) Hiroyuki Takei.

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**ABOUT A GIRL**

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"I wish I had a girlfriend," the ice shaman sighed, staring at the clear blue sky.

It was a nice summer day, there hadn't been news from the Shaman Tournament in weeks, and Horohoro was bored. He never liked to sit in one place. Now they were stuck in this inn - it reminded him a lot of the Funbari Inn back in Japan, but it didn't have the warm feeling - for who knows how long. Horo has just finished all the chores that Anna ordered him to do and now stretched his back in the yard.

"A _nice_ one," he grumbled, as he felt the pain in the left side of his face where Anna slapped him for being too slow with her tea.

He didn't pay much attention to the dark-haired shaman who was sitting at the other end of the yard, deaf and blind to the Asakura fiancée's demands, like always.

So naturally, the Ainu didn't notice that the shaman, named Tao Ren, was getting irritated. More than usual.

Surprisingly, Tao Ren didn't take out the kwan-dao and kill the source of annoyance. Actually, it was already a while since he eased up on the Ainu shaman, though no one knew why. So killing him was definitely out of question.

Instead, Ren seemed to have calmed down and an almost unnoticeable smile curved the left corner of his lips.

"Oi, Idiot!"

Horohoro turned at the voice, only to see his spike-head friend eyeing him. It almost looked like he was up to something.

"Hey! My name's Horohoro, not Idiot," he snapped, but the Chinese only smirked.

"I couldn't tell."

"Hmph. Well what do you want?"

The smile on Ren's face turned into an evil grin. "Horohoro, you fool, do you even _know_ what it's like to have a girlfriend?"

Horo blinked, then looked at him curiously. "Uh..yeah, I think so. Why are you interested in this anyway? I thought you were asexual as a log."

Ren twitched at the last comment, clenching the handle of the now-folded-up kwan-dao with an urge to kill the boy standing in front of him, but somehow managed to keep his temper. Horohoro, that _idiot_...he never noticed. Oh well, _now_ it was Ren's turn to mock him.

"No, you obviously don't. And that's plainly embarressing. You know, someone like you _clearly_ has no chance in relationship with women."

"Excuse me?" Horo frowned. Okay, so he hadn't succeeded in getting a girlfriend, but that was too much. Way too much.

"You don't know the most important things, no wonder they keep running away from you...except the really, really obnoxious ones." Ren looked at the red mark on Horohoro's cheek eloquently. "So guess what, we'll take a walk and I'll explain it all to you."

Horo eyed him suspiciously. "Since when are _you_ so nice? And since when do _you_ know anything about girls?"

"I'm quite popular with them actually," the Chinese noted with an indifferent expression. "Unlike you."

That actually was true; everywhere he went, he was followed by looks of adoration. Many girls wanted him, yet he turned every one of them down. He simply wasn't interested. However, few weeks ago, after waking up from a rather unusual dream, he finally understood who he _was_ interested in.

"I'm in a good mood today, and I want you to stop nagging. So are you coming or not?"

Horo nodded and stood up. Maybe Ren did know something that could be useful for him. Besides, Ren never suggested going for a walk before, and the ice shaman was overjoyed by the thought of spending some time with his best friend. "Thanks Ren," he said, hugging him with a grin.

"Let. Go. Of. Me." Ren hissed through his teeth. He couldn't help feeling slightly content, but he did his best not to show it.

They finally walked out to the street.

::

"There are several basic things you need to know about girlfriends, and I'm gonna tell you," Ren said as they walked through the small town where they were staying during this stage of the tournament. "Of course I have a hundred better things to do, but I guess I'm supposed to help a teammate."

Horo nodded, wide-eyed, thinking how unusually talkative Ren seemed today.

"Beside looks, there are two main things you need in order to succeed with women: money and maturity," Ren explained, "and you, my dear idiot, have none. So it's hopeless for you."

Horo hmphed in reply. "But I _am_ very mature!"

The Chinese just shook his head sadly. "Fine, I'll tell in detail." He looked at the Ainu amusingly. _Now the fun starts._

They reached a small cafe and Ren stopped, giving Horo a sign to follow him and walking in.

"But Ren, I don't have any -"

"It's alright, I took you out so I'll buy," Ren answered, looking for a table in a place of his liking.

"By maturity, I mean that you not only have to be _responsible_ and respect other people's feelings," Ren continued as they sat at a table in the corner. "You have to keep your tongue and say what is needed to be said, and not what's on your mind. If you ever get a girlfriend, you'll have to remember - don't look at me like that Horo, I know you're not good at remembering stuff, but in this case it's necessary - to remember all sorts of annoying little details, from what she likes to eat to what accessories she prefers, not to mention other things."

He raised his head to look at the waiter who stopped by them with his notepad and asked for their orders.

Ren thought for only about two seconds. "We'll have two portions of fish, two of blackberry and two of cherry pies, a glass of orange juice, two bowls of ice cream, one blaeberry and one vanilla; and when you get this to my friend here, make another run for me."

The smile on waiter's face became more and more unnatural as Ren talked; as he finished, it turned into a surprised expression which was quickly wiped off. "Yes sir, and what will _you_ take?"

"One plate of Chinese rice pudding - with chopsticks - and a glass of milk. That would be all."

The waiter obviously seemed relieved, nodded and walked off to check in the order.

Horohoro chuckled nervously. "Ren, you didn't _really_ have to take all that for me, I mean, it's not much but -"

"As if I don't know how much you eat," Ren replied tiredly, "I can't let you die of starvation while we're out."

Horo blinked. "Well if it's alright.." Then he suddenly got a brainwave. "How the hell did you know what I would like?"

"Ah, I just guessed," Ren said as indifferently as he could, holding back a laughter. _I know you like the back of my hand, idiot. Let alone what you like to eat._

"Oh okay."

Horohoro seemed completely satisfied with the answer, this almost made Ren laugh out loud. He constantly raised his hand to his nose, hiding the unwilling smile that kept appearing, until Horo asked in a seriously worried tone if Ren had catch a cold. Then Ren suddenly had to use the bathroom, where he crouched on the floor in an agony of soundless laughter, and didn't come back until he calmed down completely.

::

"You took forever," Horo complained as Ren sat down at the table and started his lunch. "They even managed to bring everything already..." He started eating as well and tried saying something more but his mouth was full and nothing understandable came out.

Ren shot a glare at him. "Horo, swallow before you talk, for kami's sake! It's disgusting."

"Fowwy," Horo murmured, and didn't say anything else for almost two minutes, until he finished all his food.

Ren continued eating silently.

"Ren, you're not paying attention to me," Horohoro crossed his arms and made the chair stand on two legs.

The Chinese put the chopsticks away patiently and turned his golden gaze at the blue-hair. "This is just what I meant when I said that you have no maturity. Now keep in mind this: if you had a girlfriend, _you_ would be the one who would have to give her attention all the time. You would always have to be interested in her and what she has to say. You'd have to be open and warm. She wouldn't repay you with the same though. You'd pay attention to her every word, otherwise she'll say you're rude - and you'll barely get to say anything. Not to mention, if you'd eat like you just did with a girl, she'd ditch you immediately - _she_ would, mind you. Furthermore, you are not allowed to say anything bad about her manners, habits or appearance."

"All you say is so hard to remember," Horo winced, "can't you give me an example of some sort?"

"Sure," Ren chuckled. "Imagine it this way: if _you_ were my girlfriend, I couldn't tell you that you eat like a pig, or that your preference of haircut is ridiculous, or that you should stop whoring for attention and let me eat my food." Horo pouted, but Ren pretended he didn't notice. "If I did, you'd call me a bastard, slap me in the face and leave."

The Ainu closed his mouth suddenly, then snarled. "I don't insult people without reasons, unlike you," he said. "I don't think it would be a problem."

"And she would have the full right to tell you off," Ren continued triumphantly, "and you would have to put up with it without any grumbling, since otherwise you'd be arrogant. Now, if you were my girlfriend, I'd keep silent and let you complain all you want, and even listen to it, even if I'm not interested at all."

"Ren, you jerk, you're not telling a shit of anything useful, you're just mocking me!"

"On the contrary, I'm telling you everything you need to know...and if you were my girlfriend, I'd put up with what you just said cause it would be alright for you to say anything..." Ren seemed to be growing merrier by the second; he quickly put the money on the table and dragged Horo outside of the cafe. "...Next stage!"

::

"The other thing, as I said, you need money," Ren said as they entered the cinema. "If you ever get a girlfriend, you'll have to pay for her everywhere. Of course, she could pay her half, but that is considered bad manners. Eventually, you'll be buying even her shampoo."

Horohoro watched him buying tickets with interest. "Is that so?" he said and then sighed. "Then it seems I'll need to get a job first, and that means I'll still have to wait."

"Exactly," Ren mumbled as he led Horo to their places. "Now stop staring and sit down, for crying out loud," he added, as Horo looked around with his eyes wide, pointing and grinning at almost everything. It was obviously his first time in a movie theatre.

"Is that a TV?" Horo asked innocently, pointing to the screen.

"Yes baka, it is." Ren sit down and pulled Horo after him. "By the way, if you were my girlfriend, I couldn't tell you to stop embarrassing me."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Horo grinned, sitting down, when the lights suddenly went off and he panicked. "ACK! What's this? And I'm afraid of the dark!"

"It's supposed to be this way," Ren sighed, putting an arm around Horo's shoulders and taking his hand with another.

They sat quietly for a while, until Ren decided the movie was getting boring, and he nudged the Ainu slightly to get his attention.

"Mhm huh what?"

"Now, let's continue. Normally, when you go to the cinema, you expect to see a movie. When you're going with a girlfriend, however, things tend to be different. When you go to a film, you won't see it. Now if you were my girlfriend, I'd have to keep my attention on you all the time, so I couldn't possibly watch anything else. But you wouldn't care about that one bit, cause hey! - you're not the one paying for it. It wouldn't matter to you that maybe I wanted to watch it with you. If you were my girlfriend, you'd expect me to do this instead."

As Ren spoke, his hand gently slid under Horohoro's shirt.

"Eh...Ren?"

"...and you wouldn't care that it would seem so much more logical to do this kind of stuff at home or somewhere else, since if I suggested that, you'd call me a cheap skunk who wouldn't even pay for getting a chance to make out with you. Well if you ask me, that's even lower, but hey, that wouldn't be your problem."

"Ren, what the hell are you doing?" Horo whispered loudly, feeling Ren's fingertips dancing over his skin. It was somewhat pleasant, but _really_ unusual and made him feel uncomfortable.

"You asked for an example. Or am I mistaken."

"Oh yeah." Horo scratched the back of his head. "Carry on."

Ren smirked at his victory and leant over Horo, gently pressing his lips against the other shaman's.

The rest of the movie wasn't seen by either of them.

::

When they finally turned home, it was already afternoon.

Ren looked strangely content ever since they left the cinema, but Horo figured that he just was in one of his rare good moods today. The Ainu didn't really understand why Ren had to give him _so_ much detail, but it was clearer that way and hey, you know what? - he liked it.

Ren continued talking as they walked. "..And then you must take your girlfriend home since it's considered good manners. If you have a car, she'll never care about the gas prices, cause she's not paying for it - even though for some people, I repeat, some people, it might be a problem..."

"Okay, okay, so I have no chance for now..." Horo mumbled, sighing deeply.

"And you'd have to open the door for her all the time, instead of bumping into it, since that's also considered good manners...well, I have no idea why I am talking to _you_ about manners..."

"Hey!"

"And anyway, if you had a girlfriend, she wouldn't care if you're afraid of the dark or not. You'll have to take her home anyway and head back all alone -"

"Ren..."

"Though if you were my girlfriend, you could be afraid of anything and I'd have to promise to protect you from all of it, since I'm not supposed to be afraid of anything. You couldn't handle this, could you?"

"I'm not afraid!" Horo snapped. "I just feel uncomfortable when I can't see a damn thing, that's all!"

"Besides, you need to keep your manners even if you already feel tired," Ren continued, not listening. "However, you must not seem cold or distant, or you'll get ditched. Again." He gently wrapped his arm around Horo's waist as they walked towards the inn.

"Ren...what are you doing?"

"But if you WERE my girlfriend..."

"ENOUGH, I GET IT ALREADY!" Horohoro cried, slamming his hand to his forehead desperately. "I'm not getting a girlfriend! I'm not getting a girlfriend! It's not possible! Are you happy now?"

Ren stopped talking suddenly and smirked, amused. "I am." Seemingly, he was the Ren that Horo was used to again - after just one little phrase...

"...Ren?..."

"Oh and by the way, I think today was.. fun. Wanna go somewhere again?"

"Uh...sure, why not," Horo shrugged, surprised by the sudden change in matter.

"Good." Ren looked at him with a content smile.

::

Just then they saw Yoh. He was sitting in the kitchen, resting his elbows on the window frame, looking at his two friends with a huge warm smile he had on so soften.

"Hey guys," Yoh said, and suddenly his smile turned into a silly grin. "Were you two on a _date_?"

Ren just sneered at him, not removing his hand from Horohoro. While Horo, unbelievably, seemed a bit embarrassed as his eyes widened and his ears flushed a faint pink. Ren looked at him, thinking that he in fact had _never_ seen Horo blushing before, and that it really looked cute on him.

"Sheesh, Yoh, what are you smoking?" the blue-hair replied in a slightly shocked tone, crossing his arms defensively. "We just took a walk around. Ren wanted to help me out with a very important question about -"

"Oooookaayy," Yoh drawled, apparently not listening anymore since he heard the flashing news fact that Ren would actually _want_ to help _anyone_ out. "If you say so..."

"Are you even listening?" Horohoro frowned, seeing that Yoh still hadn't lost his mischievous smile while looking at them. "I said that -"

"But it really looks that way," Yoh chuckled and grinned again. "I always thought you two would end up together -" he looked around and noticed that the two were gone. "Damn," he said in a tearful voice, "I was saving this phrase for so long!"

"Ren, _what are you doing?_" Horo yelped as Ren shoved him inside and pushed him upstairs. "I wanted to hear what Yoh thinks!"

"He doesn't have anything good to say," Ren muttered, walking Horo to his room, then smiling mischievously and turning around. "Later."

Horohoro opened the door and was about to head straight to the bed, when a voice from the hallway stopped him.

"Oh and Horo...one last thing," Ren said firmly, stopping but not turning back to look at him.

Horo shifted his head back out with a happy smile. "Yeah?"

"If you ever _do_ get a girlfriend, I'll kill her."

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**THE END**

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...and that is the real reason why Horo still doesn't have a girlfriend. THE REN IS WATCHING J00. XD I hope you liked it. :)


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